Architectural Dog-gest: interview with an Australian Shepherd
If you follow Georgeville’s main street past the two village churches where Mark and Larlene Smith did not get married, then turn a sharp left at the inbred duck pond, you will eventually wind up in a large field where they did get married, in the pouring rain and away from the scrutiny of any Higher Power.
Just uphill from their never-disassembled wedding pergola is a rocky clearing where you can fully take in the vastness of the rolling hills, tufts of forest, and rounded mountains budding shyly into the horizon of the Eastern Townships.
Many years later, long after the wedding guests had all gone home, Mark and Larlene found themselves standing on the same rocky clearing feeling nostalgic. Wouldn’t it be fun, they asked each other, if we bought all the land that our eyes can see and then built our dream cottage right where we’re standing? Tucker, their Australian Shepherd, barked twice for yes.
And just under two years later, standing in the very spot that their whimsical idea was conceived, as if by magic, that same rocky clearing has been transformed into Larlene’s favorite reading nook on their oversized living room couch. To be clear, it is a regular-sized couch, but they are teacup-sized adults. Curled up here with one of her naughty historical thrillers, Larlene gets award-winning views through the massive pine-clad window, which perfectly frames the landscape like a smug postcard sent to their cottage-less friends. To be clear, the window is actually massive, even to regular-sized adults.
In this pandemic era, many aging young couples just like Mark and Larlene share the very same intentions to build a dream cottage in the countryside just footsteps away from where they were wed in a romantic field. Tragically, only about 0.04% of them are able to bring their cottage dreams into fruition, the rest are resigned to being satisfied by learning how to bake their own loaf of bread for $60. But this story is not about those losers, this is the story of that 0.04%.
Today we will have an exclusive interview with Tucker, trusty canine sidekick to Mark and Larlene, and silent genius behind many of the architectural features of the house.
Full disclosure: Mark and Larlene went gravel biking and are ignoring my calls, so Tucker has graciously agreed to be interviewed by me.
LadyNest: Tucker, thanks for meeting with me today. Why don’t you start by telling us a bit about yourself. The dog behind the vision, so to speak.
Tucker: Me very good boy. Sometimes do bad things like once I roll in dead fish, and once I swallow remote control. Me not know why. But I am dog, not God. That is joke.
Favorite thing is chasing man on skis down snow hill. Me also love digging holes then laying in hole dirt.
Me not always do design but me have good eye for these things. Me a natural they say.
LadyNest: How about your owners? Are they as into design as you are?
Tucker: Look, we not use words like ‘owner.’ Human think all the time that dog belong to them. But in hearts we are free, like great-grandfather, who was wolf.
One day, man yell at me for sleep on bed and fart. But the fart not me, it woman. Man not care, he point to cold floor for me to sleep. So I eat his socks. Man love socks as much as woman me suspect. Socks made from Alpaca and do wicking of moisture, man say all the time, so you get what Tucker means. Next day, man yell at me for sock thing. Me get really mad.
You not my owner, and you not my daddy, me say. You my bitch not other way around. Me shit, you clean. Me hungry, you feed. Tucker anal glands need expressing, you express. Just because you name me like white suburban toddler boy most popular boy name 2008, it not mean you my daddy. Me not come from puppy hole of woman. Me come from wolves. Plus, me have more instagram followers than man and woman together. You not master of social media either.
After that, man not say he my owner no more. We like wolf pack now. But me still have more instagram followers, so me not have to tell you who is alpha here.
But to answer question: man and woman think they like design, but they not have the eye. Man collect furniture from garbage and woman buy furniture at Costco. Me have to help a lot.
LadyNest: What was the biggest challenge in designing and building the cottage?
Tucker: Man and woman always ski touring or gravel biking. There not much time to get job done. Lucky woman has father who is contractor. He do all the work. Me make ideas and he build them. We good team.
LadyNest: What is your favorite piece of furniture in the cottage?
Tucker: Definitely vintage leather armchair. Me chew to perfection. Woman say to throw it out but me say, no, it perfect now. Put down Costco flyer and pick up design magazine sometime and you see. This wabi sabi.
LadyNest: Final question: some people have described this cottage as accessible architecture. Referring of course to Mark and Larlene being lower middle class. Any advice for other common people with cottage dreams…hey! Are you humping my leg?
Tucker: This no humping. This dance for my TikTok. Bull Mastiff named Rasputin go viral after make dance video and me want to get more likes than him.
And who you to judge Tucker? You think it good idea to write blog about glory hole alien design. Even your mother not like story.
The interview was concluded early due to a disagreement as to why some dogs deserve to get good boy treats and some do not.
Let’s just look at some pictures why don’t we:
