DO’s and DON'Ts of interior design

Happy Thursday you gorgeous nestonian hatchlings. I have decided to greet you in the manner of my favourite podcast hero at the moment, Blindboy. Check it out if you are into genre-defying storytelling sprinkled with profanity, conspiracy theories and mental health nuggets delivered by an Irish rapper with a plastic bag on his head.

If you’ve come for unsolicited advice and judgement of other people’s homes in the form of a DO’s and DON’Ts list, then what a happy coincidence because looky, looky what I have here:

DO make your bathroom cozy and welcoming for guests.

Why, yes… yes I will come in and rifle through your bathroom cabinets for meds I can resell at the parent-teacher meeting.

DON'T make it so cozy that your guests have to get tested for chlamydia after using the toilet seat.

I can't tell if this guy is just a shit-screamer or if he’s just giddy with erection. Lift his scrotal flap to find out.

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DO use a spiral staircase as a central focus of your design.

Then use the spiral staircase as an excuse to never invite the elderly or small children to your house, citing safety concerns.

DON'T go putting carpet on your spiral staircase.

Unless you are living your adult life pretending you are a giant cat named Soxers. In which case, keep going, you are adorable. You better have an instagram account so I can follow you already.

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DO go for colour in your kitchen.

Feel smug. You’re killing it.

DON'T choose stupid fucking colours for your kitchen.

If you wouldn’t be surprised to come home to find Pee Wee Herman or cartoon ponies in your kitchen, then your colours is probably fucking stupid.

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DO use a rug to add interest to the bathroom.

You can pretty much buy a vintage rug and put it in any piece of crap bathroom and make it look like a 10. But it helps if the bathroom is already a 10.

DON'T use a rug as wallpaper.

Do you have an internal voice that says stop, maybe that’s enough rug? I didn’t think so. I bet the inside of the bathtub and toilet bowl are lined with rug too. Sure, I would love to take a bath in there just once and have the soft pink shag caress my aching, deformed feet, but after the first week, the risk of dying from a fulminant fungal infection probably wouldn’t even be worth it. The lady in the picture is clearly suffering from fungal dementia. Why else brush your hair blankly while applying perfume in a bathtub?

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DO rock the wood paneling.

I hope you’re ready to be immediately cool. I wish I knew about this in high school. Looooooser.

DON'T let your wood paneling make people wonder if you've been trapped in your basement since 1981.

You may as well change your name to Nana and adopt 17 cats so they can piss on your broadloom carpeting. Invite the girls over for some bridge while you’re at it. That part sounds pretty good actually. I always dreamed of being a Golden Girl. I’m a Dorothy.

DO use graphic wall murals for a feature wall.

See how instantly sassy and confident you just became? That’s right. That’s you living your best life.

DON'T make a mural based on your recurrent merman nightmare.

I hope the baby doesn’t end up murdering the turtle again in this one.

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DO display your collections like art.

There’s nothing more beautiful than hiding your pathologic collection of wooden mannquin heads under the guise of art. Just ask Sir Barksalot the Third.

DON'T display your collections in a way that make people wonder if you're a serial killer.

Probably just don’t collect clowns at all, ok? If you already have a pretty substantial clown collection, go ahead and sell them on kijiji immediately. You should probably be waiting with a knife when the buyer comes to your house to buy your insane amount of clowns, because he’s probably also a serial killer.

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DO add a little kitschy sweetness to your child's bedroom.

Approved by a smiling rainbow. 

DON'T go full kitsch, silly billy.

These shifty, ultraflammable fur doggos are so uncomfortable with everything that’s going on here, they can’t even look you in the eyes. But they’re also super fucking high. 

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DO mix patterns boldly.

Unless you’re not that bold, or not a designer. Otherwise it just looks like when my 3 year old tries to dress herself. 

DON'T be too bold.

Stop. You’ve gone too far, Karen. Even your cat won’t come in the room any more.

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DO use words as wall art.

Not really. It’s not 2017 anymore so you’ve missed the words as wall art boat. But here’s one example of that trend looking alright. Hotel Georges, it says. Fine, at least it’s not trying to tell me to breathe or dream. If I had to, I would get my neon sign to say, “urinate.”

DON'T use most words as word art, especially if they're dumb.

Much like a tramp stamp tattooed in the small of a middle-aged woman’s back, this choice of word art probably won’t age well. A round of applause for the confidence of someone who might genuinely feel that they are both sexy and adorable. Perhaps it’s just an unsuspecting elderly woman who hired an interior designer who doesn’t speak a word of English. It reminds me of a travel mug my mother has that says, “I’m too awesome to date.” Shit, mom. What the hell?

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DO find the perfect statement chair for your living room.

Any furniture that makes me feel like a tiny miniature lady held by a giant is a DO for me.

DON'T select a chair that has disturbing statements to make.

This chair says mostly says, help, I’ve been taken hostage at a biker bar and I really regret having worn my fashion jeans with the legs sewed together.

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DO embrace open concept.

To be fair, this is a millionaire’s loft. It’s not exactly like a couple of mischievous newlyweds had a sledge hammer and a dream and transformed their outdated starter home into a masterpiece. But yeah, open concept or millions of dollars are DO’s.

DON'T open all concepts.

Nobody wants to watch you shave your legs in the sink or snap chat on the toilet. I like the church window for privacy though. God is always watching, isn’t he? That guy.

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DO throw in some animal inspired prints.

Omigosh stop! You’re too wild! How do you do it?

DON'T go jungle.

To be honest, I don’t have that many questions about the purple and the zebra print. I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on here. I learned about this in sex-ed. I have more questions about the lone Christmas garland tacked carelessly to the window as if the owner got distracted by something. I’m pretty sure we’re looking at a crime scene here.