kijitchen

Recipe for Frankenstein’s kitchen:

Do you, like me, fancy yourself to be an anarchist punk trapped in a decaying suburban mom’s body, dulled by many years of law abiding and repetitive washing of your offspring’s milkvomit-encrusted onesies? Is your only form of rebellious expression to passive-aggressively roll your eyes at the couple in the HGTV show that insists knowingly that they must have granite countertops and stainless steel appliances (refer back to my first post if you want to see how much of a big fat hypocrite I am with my granite countertops and stainless steel appliances)? Don’t they know the 90’s are over and that fingerprints scoff at stainless steel? Are you sick of secretly smirking at people’s Home Depot renos that are the architectural equivalent of a shaved pussy, beige and devoid of any personality? Well, if you feel like adding a little bit of sassy bush to your kitchen, read on girlfriend (or boyfriend) and get yourself an eclectic Frankenstein-esque kijji kitchen. Here’s what you need:

1.      One kijiji antique buffet gem.

2.      One headband and some body grease. Apply. Or put aside neatly, depending.

3.      An “anarchist mom renovating the kitchen” playlist on Spotify. To get more into the anti-christy mood. Here’s some inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBojbjoMttI

4.      Duct tape, a glue gun, a hammer and a screw driver. If you can’t renovate with just these tools alone, you may as well give up now. Those other fancy tools are for lazies taking short cuts.

5.      A cell phone. So you can call the plumber once you’ve ripped the old kitchen cabinets and plumbing out of the wall without having turned off the water or properly researched what you’re doing.

6.      A first aid kit. I’m a doctor and these are never actually useful but they’re a bit like cops, they’re never there when you need them. Masking tape, toilet paper and soap will work for most things though will get you some raised eyebrows in a hospital setting.

7.      Start tearing up the kitchen, gurl. Use your bare hands.

8.      Call the plumber.

9.      Get the first aid kit. Maybe find a tourniquet to stop the bleeding.

10.  Cram the antique buffet into the gaping wall hole you created. Wipe the blood off. Pick up any fingernails lost in the operation.

11.  Sit back and admire your work.

12.  Some wine. Sit back down and admire your work again.

13.  The cell phone. Call the local contractor to fix your work. There’s probably a bit too much bush on this one.

Ready to start, you fucking rebels? Here is some inspiration from one antichrist to another:

Are you chomping at the bit to look for some kijiji gold? Well, you don’t have to because I’ve already wasted my time doing that. Here you go buddies. You’re welcome. I hope you live in the Greater Montreal area and it is August, 2019, otherwise this is useless to you.